I had the opportunity to attend a retreat
in New Zealand this Easter, where the leader was a spiritual and relationship
guru by the name of Stephanie Dowrick.
As a self-confessed self-help book junky, I have followed Stephanie’s
work for over a decade (with special thanks to Jodie Webster who has provided
me with a number of books from her publishing house – http://www.allenandunwin.com/), and
have been longing to attend the retreat at Mana for the past five years. So I prepared diligently for the experience
by spending some time in contemplation before I left and taking some areas for
personal development with me that I wanted to address. And I was not disappointed.
Stephanie’s greatest contributions to the
discourse about relationships have been in emphasising kindness and the
importance of choosing happiness (see ‘Kndness and other acts of love’ and
‘The Universal Heart’ at https://www.qbd.com.au/search.htm?q=stephanie%20dowrick ). This intersects with her inter-faith
spirituality, which focuses clearly on love and compassion as the necessary
characteristics for an evolving world (see ‘Seeking the Sacred’ and ‘Heaven on
Earth’). And it was precisely in the intersection
of relationships and spiritual abundance that I found what I was looking for.
As a survivor of a failed marriage, I feel
that I have journeyed deep into the terrain of interpersonal relationships
within my own life, as well as exploring it to better my practice as a music
therapist. Personally, I explored the self-help literature with the intention
of saving my relationship, and then later, with the intention of exiting it in
the most positive way. I have sought
teachings from a range of sources, including the very beautiful Conscious
Uncoupling process that Gwyneth and Chris recently invoked in the ending of
their own relationship (http://evolvingwisdom.com/consciousuncoupling/free-online-class/). And importantly, my work with the related Feminine
Power group (http://evolvingwisdom.com/consciousuncoupling/free-online-class/)
helped me to develop the personal strength I needed to respond to my
circumstances with vision and inspiration, rather than feeling defeated.
What Stephanie Dowrick reminded me of this
Easter was my need to return home with a renewed commitment to compassion. Given my personal history, as well as my work
as a therapist with an increasing interest in manifesting greater equity and
justice in the word, I was particularly moved by her reflections on how to
integrate compassion into situations that lack harmony. She responded to our deep need for insights
on how to deal with conflict by asking us to consider the following.
When the bell of disharmony rings loudly, it asks
‘what can I learn here?’ and also, ‘what is disrupting the harmony on the other
side?’.
Instead of reacting in a defensive, or an
offended way to conflict, she asked us to bring our willingness to learn
something to the encounter. Instead of
focusing on our own hurt, or blaming the other person, she asked us to look
deep within ourselves to find a response that combines love with an intelligent
curiosity.
Whereas I had previously wondered if
Stephanie was just a bit too
positive, the Easter retreat revealed that this was an incorrect
perception. She was well able to
understand the need to make choices and take actions to move out of situations
where mutual respect is not possible.
She did not suggest avoiding conflict, but rather that we need to move
gently into the territory where conflict exists in order to discern whether it
is possible to bring a mutual sense of ownership to the situation. She spoke about the ways that moving beyond
defensive reactions can increase intimacy, particularly when we bring a
willingness to understand the needs of the other in equal measure with our own
needs. And she emphasised the importance
of honouring our own boundaries when the other/s is not ready for
mutuality. She asked us to notice when
the situation was more than we can bear, and to be kind to ourselves by moving
away from those conditions where moving towards has not resulted in a change.
There were bounteous spiritual references
throughout the weekend, and Stephanie repeatedly shared the teachings of Thích Nhất Hạnh and
Jesus, as well as the music of Krishna Das and her own colleague, Kim Cunio. We meditated often, spent much time in
silence, and I personally trekked up the mountain on a daily basis to spend
time in contemplation of the gorgeous west coast of the North Island in New
Zealand. I am pleased to report that my commitment to
compassion has not reduced since my return, and I have chosen to bring it to my
workplace as I communicate with students and negotiate the politics of
leadership in the university sector.
It is always much easier to hold on to such
loving feelings when surrounded by others who are similarly determined, as we
were on the retreat, but I do believe that it is the way I grapple with the
real life challenges of being in relationship with others that truly defines
who I am. It is true that I have
struggled and not always succeeded, but this does not deter me from my trying. For
me, spiritual faith allows me to remember that I am only human, and that it is
not expected that I should be perfect – that is the terrain of the Gods. So I go imperfectly forward with less defence
than ever; knowing that I have the inner strength to handle pain, rejection and
failure when it comes and that I do not need to live in fear of it by trying to
avoid it. Instead, I go forward with love and
compassion.
