I have always been a fan of men, and during my adolescent
years actually found that I favoured the company of men rather than my female
peers. At that time, the women seemed
more complex and difficult to predict, and the power games that were at play
were beyond my ability to negotiate. I
had no female friends for an entire year of my schooling because of some female
bitching that I never understood. I then
gradually and carefully re-built a mixed friendship group, but it wasn’t until
I was in my late 20s that I finally found a woman that I could confidently call
my best friend. This was a turning
point, and maturity, combined with motherhood has bought me back to women, and
I am deeply indebted to the women friends in my life for their love, support
and flexibility. In addition, it seems
that life is a long game, and where women were perhaps more complex at the
onset of adulthood, it is middle age that seems to challenge men.
These relationships between men and women have been of
renewed interest to me lately as I have turned my attention to using music to
end gender-based violence against women and girls. Power has been an ongoing theme in my
exploration of this topic, and I have been reflecting on my own experiences in
relation to the theoretical and advocacy literature that I have been
consuming. In doing this, it occurs to
me that there are two types of men in my
world at the moment. There is the
traditional man and the equitable man.
They often appear the same based on how they look, dress and talk; I
have only been able to distinguish between the two types based on how they
respond when I assert my own power. Some
men tolerate it until it reaches a point where they can’t anymore. Others enjoy it and are happy to switch
between being the leader and being directed, as suits the situation and each
person’s strengths and interests.
I think the traditional, tolerant men believe they are good
and fair men. They accept that I earn more money than them, although they secretly
wonder how it happened and quietly feel that I have benefitted from ‘women’s
lib’ in the same way that they have been downtrodden by it. They notice
that I work, but they assume this must be to the detriment of my children and
do not, for a minute, consider that their father should have to compensate for
any absences that occur due to work.
This is most actively demonstrated when I travel for work and people say
‘oh, that must be tough on your husband’, rather than, ‘oh, your husband must
benefit from the income you bring in that allows him to pursue his passions;
nice to see that you get some benefits too.’
At a dinner party recently, an older woman friend of mine made the point
quite nicely when she said ‘don’t you dare congratulate him for drying the
dishes, it is the only thing he does.’
She loves her husband, and this was not intended as a criticism; rather,
it was a reminder about equity.
There is little emphasis on gender equity in Australian
culture, so the tolerant men I know are constantly congratulated for their
contemporary stance. “Oh, that is sooo
wonderful that you dropped the kids to school today, how does your work react
when you come in late?” In contrast, the attitude to me is “Oh, you’re dressed
up, do you have to go in to work again?
How do you juggle it all!” This is also enacted in a myriad of ways that
attract excellent social commentary from the young feminist women I read and
speak with. It was painful to watch the
Australian police respond to the rape of a young woman in a park during the day
by saying that women
should not walk alone in parks. Why not acknowledge that we have a problem
with male violence?!? Similarly, there
is a legal clause that allows men to claim that they were provoked
to murder their estranged spouse because she did something deserving like … oh
you know, challenge their masculinity.
There are many little acts in Australian culture that support the idea
that men are already being generous
to women by allowing them to have a seat at the table. In some places, women are even allowed to
speak. But, to continue the metaphor,
women are not yet allowed to speak if they disagree with the men at the table,
and they certainly should never try and suggest they may be the cause of the
problem.
Feminists who choose to speak about women’s rights on social
media have shares the horrendous
comments made by men when they dare to suggest that male behaviour is
inappropriate. How dare we protest that
a child’s computer game routinely includes raping women as part of the
chase! Surely it’s ok to have magazines
in supermarkets that promote
rape culture by telling young men to ignore women’s protests and help
themselves to the action!?! As the
hyperlinks in this blog suggest, women are beginning to protest against a
number of male privileges that have been in place, without being questioned,
for a long time. The road is rocky, and
many men have been getting angry.
That is the experience in my life too. I am allowed to go so far, but at a certain
point, the tolerant men begin to put on the brakes. They begin to question my motives. They begin
to blame me when their wives also start to protest. They credit a fellow man’s incongruent descriptions
of me above what they know from their own encounters with me. They make intentionally sexist jokes just to
get a rise out of me. These men are often
‘snags’ (in the old language) and ‘hipsters’ (in the new language). Perhaps they do not realise that they are enacting
the traditional rules of men having the power and choosing when they distribute
it, and when they don’t. As with all of us in a privileged position, they
cannot see what I am talking about when I suggest their position is not
equitable.
On the other hand, I increasingly meet a new brand of
man. These men have their own internal
power. They do not need to take it from
those around them. They have an abundance
attitude which suggests that there is plenty more power where that came
from. These men that I know love women. They love powerful women. They love
vulnerable women. They love other, equity-oriented men, and interestingly, they
can smell the men who still want to control the behaviours of others. I am yet to develop such a good sense of
smell, but I am working on it. The smell
of the new kind of man is tantalising, I must say. Long live great men. May my own marvellous son
grow up to be one.
